Q. What is a safeword?
A. It’s when the sub/bottom shouts a peculiar word (e.g. antidisestablishmentarianism!) in the middle of a scene as a signal that the scene needs to stop immediately.

Q. So why not just shout ‘stop’?
A. Good question.

There’s a lot of discussion about safewords – what they are, what they do, whether there’s any point in having them at all. Some people say they never play without one, others say they’re a complete waste of time and encourage dangerous play. So which is the truth?

Like so much in BDSM, probably a bit of both. It all depends on who you are, who you are playing with, and what you are doing.

Personally, I would define a safeword as anything that the sub can do in order to stop a scene immediately – other than saying ‘stop now’ or braining the top with a hatstand and running away. A safeword does not have to be spoken – if the bottom is gagged, it might be to grunt, or to drop an object held in the hand, or to wave. Any signal will do.

So if a safeword is simply an agreed signal that a bottom makes to end the scene immediately, why is there all this argument about it? Surely that’s a good thing?

Personally, I would agree. I think part of the argument comes from a certain lack of clarity on exactly what a safeword is (why say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ when you can say ‘stop’), and also from the fact that many people in long-term relationships don’t believe they need one because they know each other so well. There is also the well-made point that when a bottom has been taken to ‘sub-space’ – that lovely floaty place where thought doesn’t really happen, just sensation – can the top rely on the bottom to remember what the safeword is if they want to use it? Surely the top should be reading the bottom’s reactions and using that to gauge whether they have had enough, not just waiting for them to shout ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’?

So the ‘should I use a safeword?’ question is actually more complicated than it looks.

Therefore, here is my take on safewords.

I think a bottom needs to have a way in which to stop the scene instantly. This doesn’t have to be because the top has screwed up – it might also be because the romantic candles have set the curtains on fire. Don’t run away with the idea that I’m an unobservant top – I don’t think I am. But I am aware that I’m not infallible. I hope that anyone I play with will never have to stop a scene in the middle for those reasons. But I can never say that will never happen, and I prefer to be prepared for it in advance.

I think that having a safeword provides some protection for the top as well as the bottom. There is no excuse whatsoever for flagrantly ignoring the fact that your bottom is no longer comfortable with the way the scene is going, but nobody can read someone else’s reactions perfectly all the time. Everyone makes mistakes. People – even people you know really well – are complicated.

A safeword provides a way for the bottom to stop the scene immediately – and if the top ignores the safeword, there is no doubt that they are no longer ‘playing’ – it’s getting, or has got, into the realms of abuse. The flip side is that if the bottom decides that they no longer want the scene to proceed, for whatever reason, they have a foolproof way of stopping it – which provides some measure of protection for the top, who no longer has the sole responsibility of gauging how the scene is going.

The safeword therefore reduces the chance of post-scene recriminations along the lines of “You didn’t stop when I wanted you to/You didn’t make it clear that you wanted to stop!”

But why not just say ‘stop’?

If you are doing a scene where there is no element of role-play, then the bottom saying ‘stop’ or even ‘stop, you maniac!’ is probably sufficient. Stop means stop, and that’s all there is to it.

But what about the mock-rape scene? Part of the scene is likely to be the bottom begging for the top not to do it, to stop, to leave him/her alone. How does the top know when play-protests become real protests? What about when the bottom is gagged and can’t speak?

This is where the safeword comes into its own. This is where it is valuable to have a word (or signal) that is totally unconnected with the scene as a signal that something is wrong. It does not allow for misinterpretation; it does not rely on the top being good at reading body language or tone of voice.

The advantages of having an safeword when doing any kind of consensual-nonconsent (the scene where the bottom pretends not to consent to what is happening) are several.

1. It gives the top confidence to go further. If the top has to evaluate every protest to decide whether it’s real or not, this puts a lot of stress on the top, who may decide not to take the scene as far as they otherwise might, just in case they get it wrong and don’t realise it. This particularly applies with a bottom who is good at acting – how do you differentiate real protests from very convincing mock-protests? It can be done, but are you confident that you can do it every time, without fail?
2. It gives the bottom confidence to go further. If the bottom knows they have an ‘off switch’ they may be willing to go further than they otherwise might, because they know that if they really don’t want to continue they have a way of stopping immediately. There is no fear (or much less fear) of getting into an iffy zone and then not being able to stop. It also gives the bottom confidence to roleplay to the limit – if they know that the top will continue, no matter how much they scream, cry and plead, they can take their histrionics to the max. The only thing that will stop the scene is the safeword.

Some couples say they don’t use safewords, even when doing consensual-nonconsent scenes. Well, that’s fine if both top and bottom are confident that the top can read the bottom’s reactions correctly every time, or they are confident that even if a scene ends badly because the top misread the bottom’s reactions, there won’t be any long-term sequelae. Some couples are this confident. But if you are playing without a safeword, I would say that the top had better be certain that if they make a mistake, the bottom won’t cry rape/GBH.

Some people say that safewords encourage sloppiness, by allowing the top to not pay attention to the bottom’s reactions, and just listen for the safeword instead. I disagree. That’s like saying safety harnesses encourage sloppy working practises in steeplejacks and so shouldn’t be allowed. A safeword is just one tool in the toolbox of Safe BDSM Play. It should not be used as a substitute for paying attention, and hopefully should never have to be used at all. It’s there for when the top makes a mistake, and everybody does, once in a while.

So when should a bottom use their safeword? There is some feeling among certain sectors of the BDSM community that to use the safeword is cowardly, or disappoints the top.

Personally, I consider that safewords are there to be used. They are an ‘off switch’ for a scene, no more than that. If the scene needs to be stopped for any reason, then the bottom should use their safeword.

How a safeword is used depends on what its connotations are to the people involved. Is it a simple ‘off switch’, which can be used with the same lack of concern as switching on and off the lights? Or is it more akin to the emergency stop on a train, only to be used in the direst of emergencies?

Different people see it in different ways; I would recommend that if you are using a safeword that both sides of the arrangement agree on exactly what it does mean. Either way, if a bottom wants the scene to stop, personally I would prefer that they use their safeword rather than accuse me of abuse after the fact, or sustain a serious injury. That is what the safeword is for, and not to use it is irresponsible. A bottom has a responsibility for their own well-being, and if they think the top is doing, or about to do, something they do not want, then they have a responsibility make every effort to stop the scene.

Safewords should not be used frivolously, particularly the ‘emergency stop’ type. To bring a scene to a crashing halt breaks the mood and it might not be possible to restart it, which is one consideration. Another is the top may possibly feel guilty, even ashamed, that they have got it so wrong that their bottom needed to use their safeword. If the bottom then reveals that actually, there wasn’t anything wrong after all, this could seriously damage the top’s trust of the bottom. The only reason I can think of for a bottom to do this would be to ‘check that the top is going to obey the safeword’. Of course, one does wonder, if the bottom doubts it, what are they doing playing in a situation when a safeword is needed?

Equally, the top should never, ever ignore a safeword. Just because the last twenty times the bottom used it was because they were ‘testing’ or yanking your chain, does not mean that it’s not real this time. If the bottom is using their safeword as a method of trying to take control of the scene, then don’t play with them again. A reputation for ignoring safewords is not something that you can afford to acquire, no matter what the circumstances that led up to it.

So, to summarise

WHAT A SAFEWORD IS

• A way for the bottom to stop a scene immediately in situation where ‘stop’ may not mean ‘stop’, such as roleplay scenes. It does not have to be verbal.

WHAT A SAFEWORD IS NOT

• A way for the top to avoid having to read the bottom’s reactions. There is no substitute for being aware.

WHEN AN AGREED SAFEWORD IS MOST USEFUL

• When doing consensual-nonconsent scenes
• When playing with a partner whom you do not know well.
• When doing something new with a known partner
• When doing ‘edge-play’ – play very close to the bottom’s limits.

WHEN A SAFEWORD IS LEAST USEFUL

• When doing low-level play that makes it highly unlikely that the bottom will want to stop the scene.
• When playing in a familiar way with a familiar partner.
• When doing a scene when ‘stop now’ is sufficient to stop the scene.

WHEN A SAFEWORD IS NO USE AT ALL

• When playing with a top who is abusive. Abusers don’t stop when you want them to. That’s part of what makes them abusers.
• When a bottom accepts the scene when it happens and enjoys it, but later cries rape/GBH. A safeword is only useful at the time. Okay, the top has the defence that a safeword was available to be used, but wasn’t used - but this might not be enough to stave off a criminal conviction.

So there you are. The Mistress Hypatia Guide to Safewords. I hope it was interesting, and even useful for you, and didn’t frighten you to death. Here are the books I read about this, and which you might find interesting too:

Bibliography

• Jay Wiseman. SM101: A Realistic Introduction. 2nd edition 1996. Greenery Press.
• Siobhan Kelly. The Ann Summers Wild Guide to Sex and Loving. 1st edition 2002. Ebury Press. (Yes, honestly. Hard-bitten SMers laugh at Ann Summers, but it’s a chain that’s done a lot to bring BDSM into the mainstream – it’s a high street shop that sells fluffy handcuffs. That’s something that shouldn’t be underestimated. And I think the book is good.)